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Shinsengumi Mokuhiroku Wasurenagusa Stellaworth SS Papers

Letters that come with each CD purchased from Stellaworth.

Saito SS Paper

I remember your hands. Your rough hands.

I sighed as I remembered your hands – it was hard not to, what with their distinct beauty.

For some reason I missed your hardworking hands which had been made rough by cooking and cleaning. They became an unexpected comfort to me on the first night we spent together.

It was raining that night.

You were completely soaked, but your hands alone remained dry and rough.
I felt extremely regretful when I held your hands.

Why had I let you handle a sword so often?

Of course, it had been your wish alone to use a sword, yet I should have taken that desire away.

If I had done so, I wouldn’t be experiencing these painful feelings right now.
It hurts to think of you, and I cannot endure the worry.
I wonder if you’re taking a sword and doing something foolish.
…Thinking of that is enough to make me feel as if my heart is going to be crushed.

If I could, I would go to you right away and restrain your hands.
I would make sure you wouldn’t have to hold a sword ever again.
And I want to tell you that I’ll stay beside you, protecting and holding you close.

If I could…

I know there’s no meaning in writing about something that cannot be changed, but isn’t it the sorrowful nature of humanity to think “what if…”?
If I had not been a soldier of the Shinsengumi…

But if I had not been a soldier, we would not have met.
This feeling is a terrible one and it drives me mad.
I end up complaining without even thinking. It really does trouble me.

It is said that a calm man can be the most chaotic.
It makes me laugh how true it is.

I love you so much that I cannot bear it.

I think of you often, especially when we cannot see each other.
As time passes by, you become even more beautiful in my mind.

What about you? …Are you thinking of me?

While it is a selfish way of thinking, I hope that your feelings for me secretly cause your heart to ache. I am a much crueller man than you believe me to be.

I want to see you soon. I want to hold your rough hands too.

When I do, the image of you that I’ve created in my mind will probably disappear.

I really do love your hands.
Those gentle hands, which are rough and cracked.

Okita SS Paper

What on earth can I do now when I can’t even hold a sword? I decided to pick up my pen when I began to feel that way.

That is the only thing I can do for you right now.

I wonder how long it has been since I was separated from you and Kyoto.
Time is a peculiar thing to someone who is lying ill in bed.
It feels incredibly long, yet incredibly short. It seems like a demon.

Because of that, the days I spent with you at the headquarters feel as if they were long, long ago. That is sorrowful and painful too.

That affects me more than lying ill in bed. That’s because I feel as if your memories and your image which have been etched onto my body are going to fade away.

Your warmth and your scent…
Even though I had slept with you, thinking I would never forget those things…
I asked myself if I was a heartless man as I stared at my hands absentmindedly.

But please understand that I haven’t forgotten you.

I’m sure we won’t see each other again.
You and I have been prepared for that from the very beginning.
Perhaps it is because the memory of you is etched onto my body and heart that amidst the faded memories in my mind, yours are the dearest to me.

Please forgive me for writing so much. As you know from Hijikata-san’s poems, things turn out this way, when I write as I am thinking. I know I have killed others and that I bear the sin of murder. But that doesn’t stop me loving you.

I only have one wish.

I want to see you…

Kondo SS Paper

Hey, Miss. I wonder if you’re looking at the same moon as I am.

I thought about that as I gazed at the moon in the night sky.
I felt as if even Kotetsu was telling me I was truly a coward.

No, that’s not right.
I’m not weak. The feelings I have for you are the very same ones I have about life.

The feeling of wanting to see you keeps me alive.

I often think of you.
What are you doing at that moment? What are you thinking?
And…are you thinking of me too?

I suppose you could say those thoughts are what have been keeping me alive.

I can’t stop thinking about what I, the leader of the Shinsengumi, should do in this situation.

Although we’ve only been together for a short time, we have many memories together.
That was what the sky gave to me…a small, yet great happiness.

Ah. I would run towards you right now and hold you tightly if I could.
I would kiss your hair.

I’m free to wish for that.
So I’m going to wish for that with all my strength.

I want to see you.

Whilst being unable to avoid thinking of that, I’m still preparing for battle once again today. If you will be waiting for me when everything is over, then I am prepared to get my hands as dirty as deemed necessary.

Ah. I hope that you, a person who is dear to me, will be waiting.

I will definitely return to where you are.

I swear on the moon and on Kotetsu’s name.
It’s a promise…

Heisuke SS Paper

Please forgive me for doing this so suddenly.
I apologise that I have to tell you this way.

I’m sorry.

By the time you read this, you will probably be aware of the situation, but I will be going with Itou-san. I hesitated greatly about making this decision.

So I would like you to understand something. I could not tell you about it, otherwise my resolve would have faded.

I am truly in love with you.
There’s no way I can take you with me, alright?

So I was even prepared to write this letter. Please understand.

But…to tell the truth…it was difficult for me to leave you.

I told you that I love you. Of course I don’t want to be apart from you.

It’s no good for a man to go back on his word for the sake of love, is it?
I’m sure you wouldn’t like a man like that either.

I want to be the best man I can be, for you.
So I want you to forgive me for leaving without saying a word.

I’ll definitely come and find you.
I’m worried that another man might lay a hand on you if I don’t come soon.

Can you…wait for a while?
I’ll be with you right away…

Even if we are apart, it doesn’t change that I love you.
I’ll write it once more so that you’ll believe me.

I’ll love you forever…

Hijikata SS Paper

Are you doing well?
You’re probably crying without me.

Listen up, alright?
Wait where you are until I return.
Don’t come to me, not even by mistake,

Obey the rules and act like an obedient dog that waits for its reward.

Well, I wonder what else I should write… Now that I think about it, this is my first time writing to a woman.

If this were a mission, I would write many words, but when I think of you receiving this letter, my hand stops moving. Because of that, it was a long time before I began to write.

I hadn’t intended on sending a letter.

However, I have a feeling that I’ll regret not writing if I don’t do it now.
I have faced many battles, but now I am only thinking of writing to you.
I wonder why your face comes to mind.

I wonder how long it’s been since we last saw each other.

Do you still remember my face?

The frightened look you had when you first saw me.
Your downward gaze as you felt embarrassed to be in my arms.
And the tearful face you had when we said goodbye…

…How strange.
Your smiling face is the only thing I can’t remember.

When I was at the headquarters, I happily thought of all the times I made you cry…
But now I really want to see your smile.

My heart aches when I remember your tearful face.
It makes me laugh that I’m not my usual self…

All my feeling towards you are sealed in this letter.
Please accept this letter. Think of it as my heart and take good care of it.

I wonder what we shall do when I return.

It might be good if I was able to hold you so tightly you’d find it difficult to breathe and look at your face as I do that.

Or I could kiss you until you faint.

…What would you like?

Think about it from now on.
I might ask for your reply, depending on how I feel.
So I want you to smile when we see each other face to face. Got it?

I’ll definitely return.

See you later.

Yamazaki SS Paper

Please forgive the rudeness of my handwriting being so untidy.
My hands feel numb and I can’t move them well.

You probably heard from the men that I was wounded during battle.
That injury hurts so much that it’s getting in the way of me writing down my feelings towards you.

I want to see you.

I want to see you and have you hold my trembling hands.
I think of that earnestly as I lie on the floor.

Times like these when I am forced to stay still, unable to do anything, are the most difficult.

I think of you being in a faraway place and I am overwhelmed by the distance between us.

I had a dream of you simply smiling at me.
That was the first time I had woken up with tears in my eyes.
Because of that, I wanted to put my feelings for you into words and started to write.

Some time after being apart from you, I became troubled by the feeling of loneliness.

My injury feels painfully hot, but my hands would probably stop trembling if I saw your smile.

Every night, I reach out to the moon and think of you.
Are you getting along alright without me?

I’m no good…I’m hoping your happiness will fade.

I’m hoping you feel unhappy and weak without me.
I’m hoping that you truly love me and tremble with loneliness every night.

I might be a failure as your lover for thinking those things.
But…I feel that way because I want you to need me that much.

Just as I cannot live without you, I hope you can’t live without me.

Ah, I want to see you.

I want to see you.
I want to see you. I want to see you.

The more I’m in love with you, the more I feel my heart being crushed.
I want to touch you, kiss you and stroke your hair.

I love you.

Can you wait for me a little longer?

I’ll come back to see you, even if it means dragging my injured body there.

So I want you to do something.

Please be mine forever…

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2 thoughts on “Shinsengumi Mokuhiroku Wasurenagusa Stellaworth SS Papers

  1. Mikucchan says:

    Such heartbreaking letters. Always makes me terribly sad to imagine the boys finally find love in their lives, but being a soldier in times of war confines their freedom for it ๐·°(৹˃̵﹏˂̵৹)°·๐

    Nevertheless, these letters are beautiful.

    Thank you, Saki-san!

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