Shinsengumi Kekkonroku Wasurenagusa 8 – Yamazaki Susumu
CV – Morikawa Toshiyuki
All I have to bring is my weapon…
And where did I put my coat? I was sure I put it inside my room.
I’ll bring some medicine and bandages. I’m sure someone will tend to the injured, even if I can’t do it. I might need paper and a brush when I report to Kondo-san about the progress of the battle.
I suppose this is everything. I’m travelling light, even for me. Men who have a home probably need more preparations. A home, hmm…
Oh, it’s you. What do you want at this time of night? I don’t have time for this. I have to get some sleep in preparation for tomorrow. If you have something to talk about, then say it quickly.
Why aren’t you saying anything? I told you that I don’t have time for this.
This is…my coat… So you took it away?
You fixed it because it was torn?
I see, so that’s why it wasn’t here. But fixing small tears won’t do any good. Once I go to battle, it’ll end up in a state that can’t be fixed.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to make something new? This time it’ll be so stained with blood that you won’t even be able to see this yellow colour.
Repairing the coat of a man who is going to die is a pointless action.
You want me to return home alive? Don’t be ridiculous. It seems that you don’t yet understand how great this battle will be. Are you going to tell me to hold back for the sake of my life?
Come on, hurry up and get out of here. There’s no need for me to regret leaving you.
Are you crying?
I told you that I don’t have any feelings for you.
So even if you look at me like that…
You still love me? What are you talking about?
No matter how you feel about me, aren’t those words meaningless if we won’t see each other again?
You’re not important! Your love isn’t important!
It’s no good! It’s no good anymore!
I won’t be able to hurt you after all. I was lying when I said I didn’t love you. Of course I was! Even though I tried to harden my heart, it really was impossible for me.
What do you mean? It was simple. The anti-shogunate army will use guns this time. Frightening weapons that send bullets far away to pierce their opponent’s heart. We’re at an overpowering disadvantage. It will become a much greater battle than any other before it.
In this battle, I will probably… So I wanted to leave a great wound on your heart before I disappeared. Wounds on your body will disappear someday. But a deep wound on the heart will remain forever. It was the only way of staying in your heart forever that a fool like me could think of. My decision was to trap you in my cage forever. But I can’t do anymore than this.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It might have seemed better if I had said that I treated you coldly so you would forget me. But I can’t lie to you anymore.
Love might mean wishing for you to be happy with someone else. I can’t do that though. I’m scared of you no longer being mine. I’m scared!
You’re going to hug me back? I tried to break your heart. I’m glad you don’t hate me. There’s no way I’d hate you. It’s impossible. You still love me, don’t you?
I’m happy. But I’ve still made an inexcusable mistake. I wasn’t able to be completely cruel in front of you.
My existence will eventually disappear from your heart. I can’t forget the fear of losing you.
Eh? Your heart already feels hurt… Yes, that’s right. I’m the same. The more I love you, the more my heart feels as if it is torn apart by how insignificant I am and the beauty of your existence.
When I touch your skin, the pain feels as if my heart is rotting away. At some point, it became covered in wounds. These wounds will stay and never fade.
Why didn’t I realise that you were the same? Please forgive me for being a fool.
You’ll always be mine and mine alone. I won’t let anyone else have you. I’m the only one who can make you happy.
Come here. I want you to show you even more of my love. So that no matter how far we are from each other, our existences will not fade.
I love you. I want to ruin you with my own hands. I won’t go easy on you tonight. This will probably be the last night that I spend with you. I want you feel you deep in my heart.
Do you recognise this?
That’s right. It’s an aphrodisiac. But it’s not like the one before. It works much faster. Open your mouth.
Now reason won’t get in our way. Let’s melt together.
I made you cry, didn’t I? There are dark circles under your eyes.
I’m happy that you think about me all the time like that. I realise painfully well that you really do love me.
As usual, your weak spot is around your ears and neck. When I see that entranced look on your face, I feel as if I’m going to be overtaken by insanity too.
Do you understand how much I’m drowning within you?
I’m going to undo your sash. Your clothes will just get in the way at a time like this.
You’re cute. Feel me.
I wonder if it’s because of the aphrodisiac? You seem to be feeling even better than usual.
Relax. Give yourself to me.
You can’t help being tense. You’re curling your toes. You really are cute.
Even having your hands touch my body is enough to make me tremble.
This reminds you of the first night we spent together, doesn’t it?
The day that I was allowed to touch you, the joy of you becoming mine and the immorality of me defiling you.
It was only once that I’ve felt so excited.
I want you to love me. I want even more of your love.
Dig your nails into my shoulder. I don’t mind if you make me bleed. That kind of pain doesn’t matter to me. It’s not enough… Tear me apart even more…!
That’s good. My heart trembles when you hurt me. Please keep on showing me your love.
But it’s still not enough! Hold onto this kunai and stab me with it. I want to go into battle with the wounds you’ve made on me. So I can feel you by my side all the time.
It’s alright. I won’t be dying yet after all. Now I’ve been reminded that I can’t abandon the times I share with you. No matter how badly I am wounded, the feeling that I am loved by you will surely keep me living. I’ll dig my nails into these wounds on the days when we can’t see each other. If I do, I can remember this night again and again.
Please. I’m not afraid. It’s because I’ve wished for all this. Come on.
It hurts. But please don’t stop. Hurt me in other places too!
I’ve never felt you like this before. Let’s take off our clothes. We can’t let them get stained by my blood.
I love you. Only you.
When I stroke my wound, I can feel my skin throbbing. I hate being wounded in battle, but the wounds you make on me are special.
The wounds you make are more important than anything and dearer to me.
Put your hand here. Your beautiful fingers are covered in blood.
Hmm? Why are you looking away? I’m only licking your fingers.
But you’re breathing faster like this. How indecent.
Didn’t it feel even better when I licked between your fingers?
Come on. I want you to feel good.
You can’t bear the desire you’re feeling, can you?
I know it when I see your reaction. You want me to touch you in different places too.
Alright. I’ll make sure to love you completely.
There’s blood on your chest too. I’m feeling desire because of my blood on you… Is that strange?
I’m going to protect you from now on too. So that no one else will hurt you, I’m going to leave only my wounds on you.
It’s flowing from here too. It’s gone down to your thighs and it’s tempting me. You like being touched in this bony place here, don’t you?
I’ve told you many times, haven’t I? I know all the places that make you feel good.
Do you want more?
Lie on your stomach then.
That’s right. I’m sure you like me running my fingers down the centre of your back too.
See. You’re trembling slightly, aren’t you?
That’s no good. Don’t resist. I don’t mind if you cry out a little. The other men went to sleep a long time ago, you see.
I like your voice. I want to hear it again and again. When I didn’t talk to you for the past few days, I remembered your voice every evening and my heart hurt. I wanted to hear that voice like the cries of a kitten and I couldn’t bear it.
Come on. Lie on top of me.
Looking up at you like this is wonderful too. Your lips are wet and your hair is in disarray. I’m happy to see something that no one else will.
Kiss me. Bring your face closer.
You’re just going to lick my lips? You really do act like a kitten. But that’s nothing like a kiss at all. I want you to kiss me more deeply.
Call my name. The moment when you call my name is my favourite.
Please touch this wound while you kiss me.
I’m going to go crazy. I can’t take it any longer. Please accept me completely.
It’s been a long time since our hearts became one like this. Don’t cover your face. This is the expression I like most after your smile.
Come closer. Kiss me again.
I love you more than anyone else in this world.
Does your body hurt?
I’m glad. Come here, in my arms.
It seems that I’ve become a little cowardly. It’s as if I think I really will die in battle. Spending the night with you makes me feel as if I want to live again. There’s no way I can leave you behind in this world. Isn’t that right?
I must stay beside you all the time. I’ll be away from the headquarters for a while, but you don’t need to worry. I’ll definitely survive and return to where you are. So please wait for me.
Let’s spend the night together in my room. There’s a beautiful full moon tonight. I want to see your sleeping face under that moonlight.
Fourth year of the Keio era. Third of January. The battle had begun. As predicted, the new government possessed guns. They wiped out the Shinsengumi. It was a hellish fight as our skills were only effective at close range. I heard the unavoidable bullets pierce men’s bodies over and over.
We only have one cannon. Although our numbers are greater, I don’t think we can reach the enemy headquarters in this situation. We’re doing our best just to fight off the men sent out to defend the camp as sacrificial pawns.
Whilst we fought off the enemy attacks, the enemy shot at us continuously. The battle was so grim that I thought I might not be able to fulfil the promise I made to her.
It’s no good! There are too many bullets being fired. There’s no way we can win!
How can we overcome this situation? How can we do it?
Damn it! The dust…
Oh? Blood? There’s a lot of it…
I’m feeling dizzy… Not yet… I said I’d definitely come back…
I can’t let things end like this…
Where am I…?
I’m inside Fujiyama-maru , aren’t I?
Then I wrote a letter to you in untidy words. The shaky and faint words were the things I wanted to tell you at the end.
That was all I wrote. This is all I can do now. This is the last way I can leave myself to you.
I wonder if she’ll be able to read it.
Someone please take this letter… I’m counting on you.
The moon looks beautiful. It’s round and without a single cloud. It is simply beautiful. A moon as beautiful as you.
I want to see you. I want to see you.
I’m glad you injured me. Just by digging my nails into my wounds, I can feel a little like you’re by my side.
I love you. I love you…
What are you doing here?
Come here. I knew it. This butterfly is one I saw that day…
You… Why are you here?
I see. So you came to see me. I thought we wouldn’t see each other again. I can’t believe you got onto this ship.
Will you hold my hand?
Is that so?
Will you listen to what I have to say? I’m happy to have lived a member of the Shinsengumi. This is the only place that wanted and needed me. It was only for the sake of the Shinsengumi that I would go so far as to sacrifice my own life.
You were there too. I wasn’t lonely from the start. It was no one else but you who made me realise that.
You taught me the reason I was born into this world. You made many flowers bloom in my heart, which was like stone.
Everything has changed since I met you. I even began to like the sound of rain. I was happy wearing the clothes which you had washed. I enjoyed eating, something which had been like an obligation before. There were many times that I felt glad to be alive.
The way I am now was something created by you. I didn’t think that I would be able to regain this much of my heart. My heart will only ever need you. That won’t change, even if my body dies. I’m really glad that I met you. I honestly feel that way.
That’s why I’m going to stop holding you back. You should leave me behind in the past and be happy after all.
Even so, will you desire me in your dreams sometimes? That would be enough of a reward for me.
I’m proud of dying for the sake of the Shinsengumi and for having supported you in this life, even it was only a little. Perhaps this feeling won’t be understood no matter how many times I say it.
Thank you very much for staying by my side. I’m happy that I was able to see you at the end.
Even if you’re just an illusion, I’m glad I was able to see you. I’ll love you forever. Forever…
Before long, the scenery became blurry. I gently closed my eyes as I held onto the vision of you.
I fell, as if I was slipping into a dark space. The pain of the injury you gave me throbbed somewhere far away from me. Although I desperately stretched out my hand, I wasn’t able to reach that sensation.
The image of the butterfly’s wings shining in the moonlight was etched onto my eyes. I wonder if it’s okay to fall asleep like this. Even though I wanted to spend much more time with you.
I won’t be able to keep the promise of going to that forest with you again, will I? That’s the only thing I really regret. I wonder whether I can return to that beautiful time once again.
 Fujiyama-maru – An American built warship, ordered by the shogunate, which was brought to Japan in 1866.
You weren’t at the headquarters, but just as I thought, you were here.
Why do you look so surprised? Is there something on my face? Or do you think I’m a ghost?
I’m alive. That’s why I was able to come here and see you.
I was seriously wounded in battle, but I was able to survive for some reason. I’m sure it was because I was thinking of you as I was about to die. We promised to see the butterflies here next year. That concerned me more than anything else. I don’t want to break the promises I make with you, you see. Of course, the same goes for saying that I would definitely return. It also seems that I can’t set you free after all. That’s why I came back. Are you surprised?
Oww! That hurts! My injuries haven’t healed yet.
My wounds almost opened up again. But it wouldn’t be so bad if you were the one to open up my wounds. It’s no surprise that you thought I was no longer around. That’s because Yamazaki Susumu is dead now.
I’m sorry I made you feel sad for a while. But I’m here now. After I regained consciousness, Hijikata-san brought me back here. I have changed my name and am continuing to work as a spy for the Shinsengumi. I think I’ll live in this world a little longer, until the Shinsengumi comes to an end.
There will be painful experiences from now on, but I won’t fear anything if I’m with you. I want to live the same future as you. I want to grow old with you. So I’m going to protect your smile from now on.
I’m relieved you’re here in this place though. Because you kept the promise not to tell anyone else about this place.
From now on, I will definitely accompany you to this place. Always and whenever. I’m really happy to be able to touch you again like this.
Let’s go back to the headquarters. I want to drink the tea you make that I haven’t had in so long.
Right, there’ll be a full moon tonight. So why don’t we look at the moon together? The weather is good too, so we should see it clearly.
Alright. It’s a promise then. Shall we buy some wine and sweets to have this evening?
I’m sure that the full moon will be surprisingly bright when you’re by my side. Let’s spend some beautiful times together from now on.
It was the final days of the shogunate. The Shinsengumi had survived this chaotic era.
Just like the moon waxes and wanes, the era changes. From now on, each of us will carry different emotions in our hearts and make our way on the paths that we believe in. When I falter from fear, you are the light which brightens the darkness.
So that your unchanging smile will always stay beside me… Although it may not be noble, I’ll take the warm and true love which is like a forget-me-not, and make it into a bouquet to give you.
So I want you to keep these feelings carefully in your heart somehow. So that they don’t fade away. So that you don’t forget them.
That’s right. Until the day I see you again.