Shinsengumi Hiyokuroku Wasurenagusa 5 – Okita Souji
CV – Suzuki Tatsuhisa
Since the first night we spent together, you’ve often visited my room at night.
You’d always have the same excuse of checking that my room wasn’t cold. You’d play around with the brazier a little, trying to stay by my side as long as possible.
You really are a fool.
Even though I’ve never told you I’ve loved you…
All I’ve done is say that you’re mine, it’s a complete mystery why you love me. You’re a strange person.
I’m praying for your happiness. I’m hoping for you to give up on me soon and find your happiness somewhere else.
Yes, that’s what I honestly hope.
Hey. Why are you coming here every night?
The brazier won’t die out that easily. Why on earth do you need to check it that much?
You always come to check the brazier on nights when the moon looks beautiful. Are you that concerned about what I said before?
When I said that I wanted my life to come to an end underneath a beautiful moon…
I’m sure I said that the first night that I kissed you. You’ve probably been concerned about that nonsense all this time, haven’t you?
Why do you look so surprised? Did you think I hadn’t noticed?
What a joke. Of course I noticed that. Don’t compare me to someone like you, who is slow-witted and doesn’t pay attention.
So does it look as if I would commit suicide underneath the moonlight, while you aren’t looking?
Then don’t keep poking the brazier with such a gloomy look on your face.
I’m tired of hearing your apologies.
Right… If you really are sorry, then why don’t you come over here?
Why are you sitting there?
That’s wrong. I meant here.
Come over here and warm me up, instead of letting the brazier do it.
Hmm? Do you think you’re in a position to refuse?
I’m saying that I want you to do it, so as my assistant, you have to keep quiet and follow that order.
Come on, hurry up.
Yes, I’m cold. It’s because you keep going to get more coals or throw out the ash. That’s why I’m being frozen to the core. So I want you to take responsibility for that and warm me up. That would be much simpler, wouldn’t it?
If you don’t know what to do, then I’ll tell you. Get closer to me like this.
There’s a little sweat on your neck. How strange. This room is cold though…
Why are you so tense? Could it be that you didn’t even consider this might happen when you’ve been coming to a man’s room every night? Even though our relationship has already gone that far…
Hey. Where do you think you’re going? I didn’t say you could leave yet.
I won’t give you permission to leave unless you warm me up first. If you want to leave quickly, then why don’t you do something to warm me up faster?
There’s a much faster way than warming me up while you’ve still got your clothes on.
You should be able to imagine it without me telling you.
Your cheeks are warm. That’s right. You just have to do exactly what you’re thinking of.
I’m not teasing you.
Well, I don’t think you’re going to obediently do as I ask. But just let me stay like this a little longer.
Because winter makes people’s feelings darker, you see. I think about a lot of different things, especially when I’m alone at night. So I feel a little calmer when there’s someone beside me. I think I’ll be able to sleep well if you’re here.
Happy New Year.
What are you dragging around a hammer and a bowl for? You did make some rice cakes at the end of the year, didn’t you?
Hmm… You mistakenly gave out too many. You always getting into some kind of trouble.
Ah, come to think of it, there were some soldiers who were away from the headquarters at the end of the year. So you’re going to make some now because there wasn’t enough for them?
Hmm… So it’s not as if there isn’t enough for Kondo-san and the captains, it’s only the ordinary men who don’t have enough, isn’t it? Why don’t you just forget about it then?
But I think it’s only natural that you take responsibility for your mistake.
It’s just some rice cakes, isn’t it? Won’t it be enough to go round apologising?
Anyway, it’s irresponsible of you to make rice cakes alone. Why don’t you ask one of the men for help? There must be one or two men who aren’t doing anything, right?
Are you listening? I’m telling you it’s careless to do it alone.
Hey! That’s dangerous!
You’re far from okay! Come on, give it to me! I can’t watch this.
My goodness. Listen up. You pound rice cakes like this.
See. Hurry up and knead it. You won’t be able to make rice cakes just by pounding them.
When you’ve kneaded it, move your hand away quickly. That’s right.
Huh? You think it’s fun, even though I’m working hard like this?
I see, so you think doing something with me is fun.
Well, when I consider that I’m able to help you make some memories, it’s worth getting tired.
Even though I’ve ended up having to help you fix your mistake, you aren’t even thankful or apologetic, you say you’re having fun instead. I’m telling you that you’re being too bold!
If you were thankful, then you should have thanked me before I said anything about it.
Aren’t the rice cakes done by now?
I’m tired. I’ve helped you this much, so you won’t mind if I’m the first to eat them, will you?
I’m going to eat them with bean paste. Could you bring the bean paste here?
Freshly made rice cakes really are nice and soft.
When I think that I made them myself, they seem to taste different from other rice cakes.
What a typical opinion. I was the one who pounded them, so of course they taste good.
Anyway, why don’t you eat a little more slowly?
This is your only opportunity to eat the rice cakes I’ve pounded. I’m not going to tire myself out like this again. I recommend you appreciate their taste.
I think I can have one more.
There’ll be a lot of rice cakes left over. So why not share them out? There’s someone I want to take them to.
Kondo-san is one person… But I thought I might take some to Sannan-san too. He’s been feeling down recently. If I tell him that I pounded these rice cakes when I give them to him, then he might cheer up a little.
Yes, we’re quite close to one another. He’s always treated me kindly. If I may say so myself, we’re great friends.
What I’m saying is that we get on well with each other.
I’ve known Kondo-san the longest, but I spend a lot of time with Sannan-san. When I want to go out to town, but don’t feel like going alone, I go out with him. I think I’ve spent the most time with him in an informal sense.
Thanks to that, he’s influenced me quite a lot. I’m not really sure about that, but since everyone says so, it’s probably true.
We have similar personalities? You say some quite careless things.
Come to think of it, Sannan-san is kind to those he has acknowledged, but he treats everyone else coldly. I’ll do anything Kondo-san and Hijikata-san say, but I don’t want to do anything you tell me. Sannan-san and I certainly might be similar in that sense.
Hmm… Do you have to look hurt because of every single thing? If you don’t know what I really think, then you’re as thoughtless as ever. I think you should use your head a little more.
What I said just now was only a joke. Do you have to make me explain everything?
Alright, I’m going to Sannan-san’s room, so I’ll take some rice cakes.
Are you awake? I’m sorry for coming here so late.
Can I talk to you?
Yes, that’s right. It’s about what happened earlier today.
It was only for a moment, but the hand I used to hold my sword trembled.
The life I’ve lived today, and that I’ve lived until the day before, is all getting in the way of the path Kondo-san and Hijikata-san are on. So just as before, they should abandon me right away.
And when I think of my debt towards the person who was always kind to me, that’s all the more reason for me to have ended the pain.
I was hesitant about that. I should have just coldly brought down the sword. Even though that was what he wished for when he chose me as his kaishakunin … My moment of hesitation was an act of betrayal towards Kondo-san, Hijikata-san and that person, as well as my own beliefs.
I wonder why I hesitated.
When I thought about that, I couldn’t sleep. It’s strange, isn’t it?
Am I feeling hurt? Of course not. I’m just feeling a bit emotional right now.
What? I’m not pretending to be tough. Don’t treat me as if I’m a weak human being. I’m not weak. Since the time I decided to follow Kondo-san, I’ve always been prepared for the possibility of something like this happening.
I’m fine as long as I can become a sword for Kondo-san. So it’d be strange for me to feel hurt when trying to kill someone else. That’s because everything I did today was for the sake of the Shinsengumi, Kondo-san and Hijikata-san. Isn’t that right?
I thought you’d say that. That’s why I came here.
If you don’t think it’s strange, then can you quietly accept my feelings?
I told you that I’d use you however was convenient for me, didn’t I? So I’m going to leave everything I felt tonight with you. I want to forget what happened today.
Make me forget about it. Alright? Make me delirious…
Yes, that’s right. It’s completely necessary. No matter what, I must fight for the sake of Kondo-san and Hijikata-san. I can’t let something like this hold me back. So I have to forget the hesitation I felt today.
You’re a kind person, aren’t you? That’s why I end up depending on you.
Open your mouth wider. I want to touch you completely.
It’s so warm…
I’m sorry. I don’t have time to be gentle tonight.
Your neck is beautiful. There aren’t any marks left from when I touched you there the other night.
Are you scared that I might strangle you again?
You answered me right away. Isn’t it alright for you to be a little scared?
I’m the captain of the first troop of the Shinsengumi, the top assassin. I could even kill you on a whim right now.
If I kill you, then maybe the shock of that will erase that person from my mind. Right?
I don’t care what happens. Keep going until you can no longer breathe…
You’re crying out loud. Try and hold back. If anyone finds out about our relationship, we’ll both be in trouble, won’t we?
Come on. Open your mouth again. If you’re about to cry out, then lick my finger. Try not to bite me though. I want you to excite me even more.
That’s right. Look this way. You know what’s happening to you, don’t you?
You’ve been waiting for me all this time, haven’t you? Tell me that’s true.
You’re honest, aren’t you?
Can’t you lick my finger a little more skilfully?
You’re a helpless person. Even if I make it clean, it’ll get dirty again right away.
You’re drowning in me, aren’t you? I know that much.
You’re still happy, even after I took my anger out on you.
You seem to be breathing harder. Are you tired?
I’m tired in a good way. I think I’ll finally be able to sleep tonight.
Ah, you can’t sleep yet. If someone comes here when your kimono is like that, it’ll be completely obvious what has happened. Go to sleep after you fix your kimono. I’m going to leave now.
I wonder why this is. Even though I’m wishing for your happiness, I’m being incredibly selfish. I can’t believe this has happened again. It seems like I haven’t matured at all since the first night we spent together. At this rate, it seems you’ll get tired of me immediately.
 Kaishakunin – A person whose duty it is to behead someone who has committed seppuku (ritual suicide).
Hmm? Ah, it’s you.
I was looking for the birds. It’s spring, so I thought they’d come around here. I don’t see them though. I wonder if those migratory birds I saw in the Mibu  headquarters before came back.
Yes. We’ve moved headquarters, so I wasn’t able to find out whether those birds came back. It’s sad.
I often felt sick this spring. I didn’t get to see the birds or the blooming of the plum and cherry blossoms. It’s as if spring just disappeared. Even though we went to the trouble of changing headquarters, the atmosphere among the men isn’t good either. It’s a somewhat awful feeling. This spring is a cold one.
Hmm? Cheerfulness isn’t something that just comes out of nowhere.
No, I won’t bother. I’m not in the mood to go shopping or go for a walk. If I had the free time for that, I’d use it to work hard on my training.
You still have work to do, don’t you? Why don’t you go back? Goodbye then.
Hmm? Do you still want something?
Ah… Come to think of it, I didn’t have time to play with those children before we moved to a different headquarters… Did you see those children?
Oh… So you happened to see them.
You’re right. Maybe I should have played with them one last time.
In that case, for once, I’ll go and see those children after training today.
Is that unexpected? Well.. You would assume someone cold-blooded like me would hate children.
It’s not as if I like children. But I’m sure that Kondo-san and the others are fighting for those children to live peacefully, aren’t they? In that case, I think I should try to like those children.
Children are noisy, empty-headed and no good. But I think the peaceful future the Shinsengumi is aiming for will be nurtured by those children.
Me? Oh no… I’m a different matter. You see, I’m Kondo-san’s sword. There’s no place for a sword in peaceful times, is there? So I’m sure I won’t be able to survive there.
You over there! Your arm isn’t straight! Straighten it up!
Your lunge isn’t good enough! Be more decisive!
That’s right! One more time!
That’s right. Don’t forget that technique.
That’s enough for today.
Yes. Thank you for your hard work.
No, it’s nothing.
I said it’s nothing. Leave me alone…
I can’t make excuses anymore, can I?
Don’t look so surprised. I’ve coughed up this much blood many times before, you see. There’s nothing to worry about now.
Don’t tell anyone though.
They won’t find out. I’ve been looking pale all the time recently, haven’t I?
If anyone points it out, I’ll just say I was feeling particularly unwell today.
If that’s no good, then I’ll use some other excuse like saying I got a cold again. So you do the same too. Understand?
You can’t do that? Why not?
I’m going to be the one who decides what’s good for me! I’m telling you that’s what I want you to do. Doing as I say is going to be what’s good for me!
You’re saying that you’re going to tell everyone about what I’ve been hiding. I won’t allow that to happen…
Hey… Are you saying you don’t mind me becoming unable to fight?
Are you saying that you want watch me lose my position and die a slow death? Well?!
A doctor? I don’t want to see one. All I’ve got is a cold. It’ll get better if I rest and eat properly, won’t it? I don’t have time to be seeing a doctor.
If you understand, then go away. I’ll be back to normal once I get some rest. I’m fine.
 Mibu – A village south west of Kyoto where the Shinsengumi were first stationed. The Shinsengumi were previously called the “Miburo”, meaning “Ronin of Mibu”. (A ronin is a masterless samurai).
I can’t believe it. Of all the things you could have done, you went to Kondo-san for advice.
Thanks to that, I ended up being lectured by Kondo-san and Hijikata-san.
I can’t believe they said I have to see a doctor. My goodness. I’ve got no choice about doing it when they’re the ones telling me.
Why do you look so relieved? Are you that happy about me going to see a doctor?
Hmph. Despite how cold it’s been this spring, you’re as cheerful as ever. How annoying.
Do you understand? I don’t have anymore time today because you went and talked to Kondo-san. I was thinking of going to see the children, but now I can’t do it today. Don’t you feel sorry for those lonely children? It’s all your fault, you see.
What? What are you talking about? Once a doctor has been called to the headquarters, the other men won’t think it’s just a cold anymore. I wish you’d realised that before you said anything.
If you’re sorry about it, then can you carry this?
No. You’re not just going to carry it to the headquarters. I’m telling you to keep it in your room after we get back.
Kondo-san and Hijikata-san often come to my room, and there’d be trouble if they found out that I was given so much medicine. I can’t let them find it, no matter what.
What? You just have to bring the medicine and water to my room all the time. If you’re my assistant, then you can do that much, can’t you? It was your fault that I ended up seeing a doctor anyway.
That was too childish of you…
Oh? I see. Even when I was doing the rounds recently, I had a feeling I’d stopped seeing those annoying bugs.
Choshu  has changed its tactic to carrying out surprise attacks with several men against one.
I think that was a good choice. We Shinsengumi often use that tactic too. But all those men you’ve gathered are meaningless, weak bugs.
You stay back. Don’t move an inch.
Well, shall we start?
When I’m wielding my sword like this, I become sure that killing for the sake of Kondo-san and Hijikata-san suits me. I want to do this forever, if I can. Fighting with a sword and breathing are the same to me. This is everything to me.
I’m going to be of use to Kondo-san and the others. I just want to cut down the enemies before me and survive.
So I’m going to keep my cough and blood that rises within me a secret and survive until the end.
I’m surprised you thought you could beat me like that. No matter how worthless your life was, there must have been a better use for it.
Are you alright?
I see. Well, I expected as much. They weren’t even able to get behind me. Even though I’m unwell, I can still fight this much.
I’m not overdoing things. This is normal for me.
No matter how I’m feeling, my enemies won’t wait for me, will they? No matter what the reason, if there is an enemy in front of me who I must defeat, then I’ll take my sword in my hand. That’s normal for the Shinsengumi, isn’t it?
So can’t you stop worrying about me so much? It’s an annoyance.
If you understand, then I’ll be going. It’ll get dark soon.
Come on. Hurry up, instead of just sitting there.
 Choshu – A powerful clan which was attempting to overthrow the shogunate.
Hey! Isn’t that dangerous? Can’t you look straight ahead?
Why are you following me anyway?
What is it? You look as you’ve seen a ghost. You’re all pale. Is there something wrong?
What? You’re looking like that just because I came back late?
Were you going out to look for me, thinking that I’d collapsed somewhere?
You’re getting too involved. I’ve said this before, but aren’t you worrying too much?
I’ve been feeling fine recently. You’re the one who’s been watching me most closely, so you should be well aware of that, shouldn’t you?
But instead you’re worrying like that just because I came home late… Why don’t you calm down a little more?
Anyway… Didn’t I tell you I was going to see the children? You should have figured out that I’d be back a little later.
Even if you didn’t get to hear about it, you should have realised. Shouldn’t you be able to figure out the places I go by now?
I’m not asking too much. You see me every day like this.
It wouldn’t be strange for you to pick up on my thoughts and actions, would it?
In that case, shall we test that out?
There’s something I’d like to ask you for right now. What do you think it is?
A drink? No, you’re completely wrong.
I wanted to tell you that I’ve had enough of you being noisy and to ask you to keep quiet. But if that’s what you think, then I don’t mind you bringing some water. I’ll be going back to my room first, so do whatever you like.
Could you put it there?
Hmm? Why are you so worried?
You’re going to come back later?
What makes you say that? You can just stay there. Is it really that unusual for me to get changed?
Come to think of it, you haven’t really seen my body during the day time.
Why don’t you have a look, seeing as you’ve got the chance?
Go on. Go ahead and have a look.
You’ve slept with me twice. Why don’t you take a closer look? Go on. Don’t be shy.
Your thoughts are written all over your face. Don’t look so troubled. It makes me want to tease you even more.
Hey. Why won’t you look at me directly?
You really don’t want to see my body that much?
Tell me what you’re thinking right now. I really don’t know. Could you explain it to me? Are you looking away because you’re embarrassed or because you’re trying to hold back the urge to touch me?
This is what I’m going to do if you don’t keep quiet…
Hey. You don’t have to reject me that strongly. You should be a little used to it.
Down by my feet?
Ah… It’s the pinwheel I folded for the children earlier. It probably got stuck somewhere in my clothes.
Well, I’m pretty good at origami.
Not really. It’s just making folds. I wouldn’t call it beautiful.
Is that so? I’ll give it to you if you really want it. Here you go.
All I did was fold some coloured paper. Is it something to be that happy about?
Ah. Now that you mention it, this might be the first time I’ve given something to you. But you must be a really simple person if you think of this as a gift.
Don’t you want to ask for something a little more luxurious?
Of course not. There’s no way I’d buy something. It was just a suggestion.
It’s because you’re the type of person who’d be happy with an origami pinwheel. You’d probably be happy even if I didn’t spend any money and just picked a flower from the roadside instead.
Anything? It amazes me how cheap you are. I feel a little sorry for you.
That’s right. So now I’m going to give you that pinwheel and one other thing.
You’re satisfied now, aren’t you? You can go back to work.
It’d be a different story if you wanted to keep watching me get changed though.
I didn’t plan to give you anything. That’d only stop you from being happy with another man after I’m gone.
But you called that origami a gift and you were happy…
Stop that. I don’t want you to be bound to me any longer… When you smile that happily, I…