Shinsengumi Hiyokuroku Wasurenagusa 5 – Okita Souji
CV: Suzuki Tatsuhisa
Since the first night we spent together, you’ve often visited my room at night.
You’d always have the same excuse of checking that my room wasn’t cold. You’d play around with the brazier a little, trying to stay by my side as long as possible.
You really are a fool.
Even though I’ve never told you I’ve loved you…
All I’ve done is say that you’re mine, it’s a complete mystery why you love me. You’re a strange person.
I’m praying for your happiness. I’m hoping for you to give up on me soon and find your happiness somewhere else.
Yes, that’s what I honestly hope.
Hey. Why are you coming here every night?
The brazier won’t die out that easily. Why on earth do you need to check it that much?
You always come to check the brazier on nights when the moon looks beautiful. Are you that concerned about what I said before?
When I said that I wanted my life to come to an end underneath a beautiful moon…
I’m sure I said that the first night that I kissed you. You’ve probably been concerned about that nonsense all this time, haven’t you?
Why do you look so surprised? Did you think I hadn’t noticed?
What a joke. Of course I noticed that. Don’t compare me to someone like you, who is slow-witted and doesn’t pay attention.
So does it look as if I would commit suicide underneath the moonlight, while you aren’t looking?
Then don’t keep poking the brazier with such a gloomy look on your face.
I’m tired of hearing your apologies.
Right… If you really are sorry, then why don’t you come over here?
Why are you sitting there?
That’s wrong. I meant here.
Come over here and warm me up, instead of letting the brazier do it.
Hmm? Do you think you’re in a position to refuse?
I’m saying that I want you to do it, so as my assistant, you have to keep quiet and follow that order.
Come on, hurry up.
Yes, I’m cold. It’s because you keep going to get more coals or throw out the ash. That’s why I’m being frozen to the core. So I want you to take responsibility for that and warm me up. That would be much simpler, wouldn’t it?
If you don’t know what to do, then I’ll tell you. Get closer to me like this.
There’s a little sweat on your neck. How strange. This room is cold though…
Why are you so tense? Could it be that you didn’t even consider this might happen when you’ve been coming to a man’s room every night? Even though our relationship has already gone that far…
Hey. Where do you think you’re going? I didn’t say you could leave yet.
I won’t give you permission to leave unless you warm me up first. If you want to leave quickly, then why don’t you do something to warm me up faster?
There’s a much faster way than warming me up while you’ve still got your clothes on.
You should be able to imagine it without me telling you.
Your cheeks are warm. That’s right. You just have to do exactly what you’re thinking of.
I’m not teasing you.
Well, I don’t think you’re going to obediently do as I ask. But just let me stay like this a little longer.
Because winter makes people’s feelings darker, you see. I think about a lot of different things, especially when I’m alone at night. So I feel a little calmer when there’s someone beside me. I think I’ll be able to sleep well if you’re here.
Happy New Year.
What are you dragging around a hammer and a bowl for? You did make some rice cakes at the end of the year, didn’t you?
Hmm… You mistakenly gave out too many. You always getting into some kind of trouble.
Ah, come to think of it, there were some soldiers who were away from the headquarters at the end of the year. So you’re going to make some now because there wasn’t enough for them?
Hmm… So it’s not as if there isn’t enough for Kondo-san and the captains, it’s only the ordinary men who don’t have enough, isn’t it? Why don’t you just forget about it then?
But I think it’s only natural that you take responsibility for your mistake.
It’s just some rice cakes, isn’t it? Won’t it be enough to go round apologising?
Anyway, it’s irresponsible of you to make rice cakes alone. Why don’t you ask one of the men for help? There must be one or two men who aren’t doing anything, right?
Are you listening? I’m telling you it’s careless to do it alone.
Hey! That’s dangerous!
You’re far from okay! Come on, give it to me! I can’t watch this.
My goodness. Listen up. You pound rice cakes like this.
See. Hurry up and knead it. You won’t be able to make rice cakes just by pounding them.
When you’ve kneaded it, move your hand away quickly. That’s right.
Huh? You think it’s fun, even though I’m working hard like this?
I see, so you think doing something with me is fun.
Well, when I consider that I’m able to help you make some memories, it’s worth getting tired.
Even though I’ve ended up having to help you fix your mistake, you aren’t even thankful or apologetic, you say you’re having fun instead. I’m telling you that you’re being too bold!
If you were thankful, then you should have thanked me before I said anything about it.
Aren’t the rice cakes done by now?
I’m tired. I’ve helped you this much, so you won’t mind if I’m the first to eat them, will you?
I’m going to eat them with bean paste. Could you bring the bean paste here?
Freshly made rice cakes really are nice and soft.
When I think that I made them myself, they seem to taste different from other rice cakes.
What a typical opinion. I was the one who pounded them, so of course they taste good.
Anyway, why don’t you eat a little more slowly?
This is your only opportunity to eat the rice cakes I’ve pounded. I’m not going to tire myself out like this again. I recommend you appreciate their taste.
I think I can have one more.
There’ll be a lot of rice cakes left over. So why not share them out? There’s someone I want to take them to.
Kondo-san is one person… But I thought I might take some to Sannan-san too. He’s been feeling down recently. If I tell him that I pounded these rice cakes when I give them to him, then he might cheer up a little.
Yes, we’re quite close to one another. He’s always treated me kindly. If I may say so myself, we’re great friends.
What I’m saying is that we get on well with each other.
I’ve known Kondo-san the longest, but I spend a lot of time with Sannan-san. When I want to go out to town, but don’t feel like going alone, I go out with him. I think I’ve spent the most time with him in an informal sense.
Thanks to that, he’s influenced me quite a lot. I’m not really sure about that, but since everyone says so, it’s probably true.
We have similar personalities? You say some quite careless things.
Come to think of it, Sannan-san is kind to those he has acknowledged, but he treats everyone else coldly. I’ll do anything Kondo-san and Hijikata-san say, but I don’t want to do anything you tell me. Sannan-san and I certainly might be similar in that sense.
Hmm… Do you have to look hurt because of every single thing? If you don’t know what I really think, then you’re as thoughtless as ever. I think you should use your head a little more.
What I said just now was only a joke. Do you have to make me explain everything?
Alright, I’m going to Sannan-san’s room, so I’ll take some rice cakes.
Are you awake? I’m sorry for coming here so late.
Can I talk to you?
Yes, that’s right. It’s about what happened earlier today.
It was only for a moment, but the hand I used to hold my sword trembled.
The life I’ve lived today, and that I’ve lived until the day before, is all getting in the way of the path Kondo-san and Hijikata-san are on. So just as before, they should abandon me right away.
And when I think of my debt towards the person who was always kind to me, that’s all the more reason for me to have ended the pain.
I was hesitant about that. I should have just coldly brought down the sword. Even though that was what he wished for when he chose me as his kaishakunin … My moment of hesitation was an act of betrayal towards Kondo-san, Hijikata-san and that person, as well as my own beliefs.
I wonder why I hesitated.
When I thought about that, I couldn’t sleep. It’s strange, isn’t it?
Am I feeling hurt? Of course not. I’m just feeling a bit emotional right now.
What? I’m not pretending to be tough. Don’t treat me as if I’m a weak human being. I’m not weak. Since the time I decided to follow Kondo-san, I’ve always been prepared for the possibility of something like this happening.
I’m fine as long as I can become a sword for Kondo-san. So it’d be strange for me to feel hurt when trying to kill someone else. That’s because everything I did today was for the sake of the Shinsengumi, Kondo-san and Hijikata-san. Isn’t that right?
I thought you’d say that. That’s why I came here.
If you don’t think it’s strange, then can you quietly accept my feelings?
I told you that I’d use you however was convenient for me, didn’t I? So I’m going to leave everything I felt tonight with you. I want to forget what happened today.
Make me forget about it. Alright? Make me delirious…
Yes, that’s right. It’s completely necessary. No matter what, I must fight for the sake of Kondo-san and Hijikata-san. I can’t let something like this hold me back. So I have to forget the hesitation I felt today.
You’re a kind person, aren’t you? That’s why I end up depending on you.
Open your mouth wider. I want to touch you completely.
It’s so warm…
I’m sorry. I don’t have time to be gentle tonight.
Your neck is beautiful. There aren’t any marks left from when I touched you there the other night.
Are you scared that I might strangle you again?
You answered me right away. Isn’t it alright for you to be a little scared?
I’m the captain of the first troop of the Shinsengumi, the top assassin. I could even kill you on a whim right now.
If I kill you, then maybe the shock of that will erase that person from my mind. Right?
I don’t care what happens. Keep going until you can no longer breathe…
You’re crying out loud. Try and hold back. If anyone finds out about our relationship, we’ll both be in trouble, won’t we?
Come on. Open your mouth again. If you’re about to cry out, then lick my finger. Try not to bite me though. I want you to excite me even more.
That’s right. Look this way. You know what’s happening to you, don’t you?
You’ve been waiting for me all this time, haven’t you? Tell me that’s true.
You’re honest, aren’t you?
Can’t you lick my finger a little more skilfully?
You’re a helpless person. Even if I make it clean, it’ll get dirty again right away.
You’re drowning in me, aren’t you? I know that much.
You’re still happy, even after I took my anger out on you.
You seem to be breathing harder. Are you tired?
I’m tired in a good way. I think I’ll finally be able to sleep tonight.
Ah, you can’t sleep yet. If someone comes here when your kimono is like that, it’ll be completely obvious what has happened. Go to sleep after you fix your kimono. I’m going to leave now.
I wonder why this is. Even though I’m wishing for your happiness, I’m being incredibly selfish. I can’t believe this has happened again. It seems like I haven’t matured at all since the first night we spent together. At this rate, it seems you’ll get tired of me immediately.
 Kaishakunin – A person whose duty it is to behead someone who has committed seppuku (ritual suicide).
Hmm? Ah, it’s you.
I was looking for the birds. It’s spring, so I thought they’d come around here. I don’t see them though. I wonder if those migratory birds I saw in the Mibu  headquarters before came back.
Yes. We’ve moved headquarters, so I wasn’t able to find out whether those birds came back. It’s sad.
I often felt sick this spring. I didn’t get to see the birds or the blooming of the plum and cherry blossoms. It’s as if spring just disappeared. Even though we went to the trouble of changing headquarters, the atmosphere among the men isn’t good either. It’s a somewhat awful feeling. This spring is a cold one.
Hmm? Cheerfulness isn’t something that just comes out of nowhere.
No, I won’t bother. I’m not in the mood to go shopping or go for a walk. If I had the free time for that, I’d use it to work hard on my training.
You still have work to do, don’t you? Why don’t you go back? Goodbye then.
Hmm? Do you still want something?
Ah… Come to think of it, I didn’t have time to play with those children before we moved to a different headquarters… Did you see those children?
Oh… So you happened to see them.
You’re right. Maybe I should have played with them one last time.
In that case, for once, I’ll go and see those children after training today.
Is that unexpected? Well.. You would assume someone cold-blooded like me would hate children.
It’s not as if I like children. But I’m sure that Kondo-san and the others are fighting for those children to live peacefully, aren’t they? In that case, I think I should try to like those children.
Children are noisy, empty-headed and no good. But I think the peaceful future the Shinsengumi is aiming for will be nurtured by those children.
Me? Oh no… I’m a different matter. You see, I’m Kondo-san’s sword. There’s no place for a sword in peaceful times, is there? So I’m sure I won’t be able to survive there.
You over there! Your arm isn’t straight! Straighten it up!
Your lunge isn’t good enough! Be more decisive!
That’s right! One more time!
That’s right. Don’t forget that technique.
That’s enough for today.
Yes. Thank you for your hard work.
No, it’s nothing.
I said it’s nothing. Leave me alone…
I can’t make excuses anymore, can I?
Don’t look so surprised. I’ve coughed up this much blood many times before, you see. There’s nothing to worry about now.
Don’t tell anyone though.
They won’t find out. I’ve been looking pale all the time recently, haven’t I?
If anyone points it out, I’ll just say I was feeling particularly unwell today.
If that’s no good, then I’ll use some other excuse like saying I got a cold again. So you do the same too. Understand?
You can’t do that? Why not?
I’m going to be the one who decides what’s good for me! I’m telling you that’s what I want you to do. Doing as I say is going to be what’s good for me!
You’re saying that you’re going to tell everyone about what I’ve been hiding. I won’t allow that to happen…
Hey… Are you saying you don’t mind me becoming unable to fight?
Are you saying that you want watch me lose my position and die a slow death? Well?!
A doctor? I don’t want to see one. All I’ve got is a cold. It’ll get better if I rest and eat properly, won’t it? I don’t have time to be seeing a doctor.
If you understand, then go away. I’ll be back to normal once I get some rest. I’m fine.
 Mibu – A village south west of Kyoto where the Shinsengumi were first stationed. The Shinsengumi were previously called the “Miburo”, meaning “Ronin of Mibu”. (A ronin is a masterless samurai).
I can’t believe it. Of all the things you could have done, you went to Kondo-san for advice.
Thanks to that, I ended up being lectured by Kondo-san and Hijikata-san.
I can’t believe they said I have to see a doctor. My goodness. I’ve got no choice about doing it when they’re the ones telling me.
Why do you look so relieved? Are you that happy about me going to see a doctor?
Hmph. Despite how cold it’s been this spring, you’re as cheerful as ever. How annoying.
Do you understand? I don’t have anymore time today because you went and talked to Kondo-san. I was thinking of going to see the children, but now I can’t do it today. Don’t you feel sorry for those lonely children? It’s all your fault, you see.
What? What are you talking about? Once a doctor has been called to the headquarters, the other men won’t think it’s just a cold anymore. I wish you’d realised that before you said anything.
If you’re sorry about it, then can you carry this?
No. You’re not just going to carry it to the headquarters. I’m telling you to keep it in your room after we get back.
Kondo-san and Hijikata-san often come to my room, and there’d be trouble if they found out that I was given so much medicine. I can’t let them find it, no matter what.
What? You just have to bring the medicine and water to my room all the time. If you’re my assistant, then you can do that much, can’t you? It was your fault that I ended up seeing a doctor anyway.
That was too childish of you…
Oh? I see. Even when I was doing the rounds recently, I had a feeling I’d stopped seeing those annoying bugs.
Choshu  has changed its tactic to carrying out surprise attacks with several men against one.
I think that was a good choice. We Shinsengumi often use that tactic too. But all those men you’ve gathered are meaningless, weak bugs.
You stay back. Don’t move an inch.
Well, shall we start?
When I’m wielding my sword like this, I become sure that killing for the sake of Kondo-san and Hijikata-san suits me. I want to do this forever, if I can. Fighting with a sword and breathing are the same to me. This is everything to me.
I’m going to be of use to Kondo-san and the others. I just want to cut down the enemies before me and survive.
So I’m going to keep my cough and blood that rises within me a secret and survive until the end.
I’m surprised you thought you could beat me like that. No matter how worthless your life was, there must have been a better use for it.
Are you alright?
I see. Well, I expected as much. They weren’t even able to get behind me. Even though I’m unwell, I can still fight this much.
I’m not overdoing things. This is normal for me.
No matter how I’m feeling, my enemies won’t wait for me, will they? No matter what the reason, if there is an enemy in front of me who I must defeat, then I’ll take my sword in my hand. That’s normal for the Shinsengumi, isn’t it?
So can’t you stop worrying about me so much? It’s an annoyance.
If you understand, then I’ll be going. It’ll get dark soon.
Come on. Hurry up, instead of just sitting there.
 Choshu – A powerful clan which was attempting to overthrow the shogunate.
Hey! Isn’t that dangerous? Can’t you look straight ahead?
Why are you following me anyway?
What is it? You look as you’ve seen a ghost. You’re all pale. Is there something wrong?
What? You’re looking like that just because I came back late?
Were you going out to look for me, thinking that I’d collapsed somewhere?
You’re getting too involved. I’ve said this before, but aren’t you worrying too much?
I’ve been feeling fine recently. You’re the one who’s been watching me most closely, so you should be well aware of that, shouldn’t you?
But instead you’re worrying like that just because I came home late… Why don’t you calm down a little more?
Anyway… Didn’t I tell you I was going to see the children? You should have figured out that I’d be back a little later.
Even if you didn’t get to hear about it, you should have realised. Shouldn’t you be able to figure out the places I go by now?
I’m not asking too much. You see me every day like this.
It wouldn’t be strange for you to pick up on my thoughts and actions, would it?
In that case, shall we test that out?
There’s something I’d like to ask you for right now. What do you think it is?
A drink? No, you’re completely wrong.
I wanted to tell you that I’ve had enough of you being noisy and to ask you to keep quiet. But if that’s what you think, then I don’t mind you bringing some water. I’ll be going back to my room first, so do whatever you like.
Could you put it there?
Hmm? Why are you so worried?
You’re going to come back later?
What makes you say that? You can just stay there. Is it really that unusual for me to get changed?
Come to think of it, you haven’t really seen my body during the day time.
Why don’t you have a look, seeing as you’ve got the chance?
Go on. Go ahead and have a look.
You’ve slept with me twice. Why don’t you take a closer look? Go on. Don’t be shy.
Your thoughts are written all over your face. Don’t look so troubled. It makes me want to tease you even more.
Hey. Why won’t you look at me directly?
You really don’t want to see my body that much?
Tell me what you’re thinking right now. I really don’t know. Could you explain it to me? Are you looking away because you’re embarrassed or because you’re trying to hold back the urge to touch me?
This is what I’m going to do if you don’t keep quiet…
Hey. You don’t have to reject me that strongly. You should be a little used to it.
Down by my feet?
Ah… It’s the pinwheel I folded for the children earlier. It probably got stuck somewhere in my clothes.
Well, I’m pretty good at origami.
Not really. It’s just making folds. I wouldn’t call it beautiful.
Is that so? I’ll give it to you if you really want it. Here you go.
All I did was fold some coloured paper. Is it something to be that happy about?
Ah. Now that you mention it, this might be the first time I’ve given something to you. But you must be a really simple person if you think of this as a gift.
Don’t you want to ask for something a little more luxurious?
Of course not. There’s no way I’d buy something. It was just a suggestion.
It’s because you’re the type of person who’d be happy with an origami pinwheel. You’d probably be happy even if I didn’t spend any money and just picked a flower from the roadside instead.
Anything? It amazes me how cheap you are. I feel a little sorry for you.
That’s right. So now I’m going to give you that pinwheel and one other thing.
You’re satisfied now, aren’t you? You can go back to work.
It’d be a different story if you wanted to keep watching me get changed though.
I didn’t plan to give you anything. That’d only stop you from being happy with another man after I’m gone.
But you called that origami a gift and you were happy…
Stop that. I don’t want you to be bound to me any longer… When you smile that happily, I…
Hmm? Ah, you’ve brought some medicine for me.
I just felt a slight tickle in my throat. Give it to me. I’ll take it.
I’ve taken it all. I can never get used to how it tastes.
It really is awful.
You don’t have to worry about how I’m doing. I’m just a little unwell today.
I’ll feel completely better in a few days.
Rice cakes? No, I don’t want any. I’m not that hungry right now.
Come to think of it, we were pounding rice cakes together this time last year.
What about this year? Did you have enough rice cakes?
Hmm… So even you’ve got the ability to mature. I had no idea.
Well, that’s true. Regardless of the pace, you’re bound to mature as time passes by.
I’ve probably matured in some way too. I don’t feel that way at all though.
You’re useless at cheering me up. Do you really think I’ve matured in some way over the past year? Even though I’ve been lying in bed most of the time.
You probably don’t understand how I feel when I’m lying in bed and I hear the voices of the men training, carried by the wind. You’ve probably never imagined how I felt when I asked Hijikata-san to take care of the first troop while I’m resting.
Why am I stuck lying in my bed while everyone else is moving forward?
How on earth do you think I could have improved while I was here?
Hey. Answer me if you know. You have an answer that’ll satisfy me, don’t you?
My body… It’s just going to get weaker and weaker, isn’t it? I might not even be able to hold a sword anymore. If that happens to me, then I won’t have anything left. I wouldn’t be able to live.
Shut up! Are you trying to say you understand me?! You’re talking as if you understand, when you don’t know a thing!
That’s wrong. That’s wrong. It’s no use saying this to you.
I know! But I can’t stop. I can’t help being angry when you worry about me. Why am I always like this?
What difference does it make if you stay by my side?
Yes, you’re no good. Because I can’t make you happy. It’s no good for a man like that to be by your side, is it? I’m not good enough for you.
No matter how you feel, if I think I’m not good enough, then it’s all the same! You’re always going to be someone who’s convenient for me to take my anger out on.
I’m not going to change my attitude. If you’re expecting that, then it’s pointless and you should just give up!
Of course! What good is it going to do if I have you?! I won’t live long enough to support you in the future!
Go away! I don’t want to see you!
Please leave me alone.
What is it? You’re so noisy.
Could you stop running around so noisily?
Don’t run about so thoughtlessly just because it’s spring.
Huh? Why do I have to go into the garden this late at night? I don’t want to!
Hey! I told you I don’t want to go! What’s going on?!
What are we doing here…?
Amazing… They’re in full bloom.
Yes… I didn’t get to see them last year, but they’re blooming so beautifully this year. I didn’t know because I was lying in bed the whole time.
They really do look beautiful with the moon shining on them.
Ah… The wind is strong tonight. At this rate, this evening will be the last time we see the blossoms.
Cherry blossoms stay beautiful until the time they fall. I suppose it’ll soon be my turn to fall too. Even if my life is shorter than that of others, if I fall beautifully, then that might be a good thing. Everyone falls like this eventually.
There’s nothing wrong with getting emotional, is there?
I’m amidst such beautiful falling cherry blossoms. You don’t mind being reminded of how fleeting life is, do you?
Then why on earth did you want to show me the cherry blossoms at night? Did you think I’d cheer up if you showed me some flowers?
Looking at these flowers which are just going to wither? Don’t make a fool of me.
Ah. I’m taking my anger out on her again. That was the thought at the corner of my mind.
I’m the one making you cry amidst the beautiful falling cherry blossoms. As long as I’m by your side, I’m going to ruin everything like this and leave a deep wound on your heart. Suddenly wanting to escape, I retreated slowly. Then you took one step closer to me and opened your trembling lips to say “Even when flowers wither, they still bloom again. You’re the same.”
Yes… You said that that in a determined way and took another step closer. “Even if it withers once, all you have to do is make another beautiful and strong flower bloom again. So don’t force yourself to make it bloom again. Why don’t you concentrate on getting better so that you can bloom beautifully next time?”
What are you talking about? Do you believe I’m going to recover if I don’t push myself and concentrate on getting better instead?
You’re not giving up at all.
Perhaps I’ve always wanted someone to tell me that.
Here you go. Take it. That medicine really does taste awful. Even carrying it bothers me.
Why do you look so happy about carrying my things? Do you like carrying someone else’s things that much?
Well… I just thought you, Kondo-san and the others wouldn’t bother me if we went together. I’m not going out to make you happy.
Ah. I see… It’s already summer.
I wonder how long it’s been since you came to the Shinsengumi.
Is that so? Now that I think about it, I must have treated you quite harshly.
Do you still want to keep being my assistant?
You never hesitate, do you? Why are you so concerned about me?
Ah, no… I’m not complaining. I can’t help finding your lack of hesitation bothersome, but sometimes I really envy you. Isn’t that strange?
But in your case, a lack of hesitation doesn’t mean you’re strong-willed, you’re probably just too simple. I still have times when I envy you though.
No, there’s nothing wrong. I’ve just got more things to think about now, that’s all.
Seasons pass by in an instant, don’t they? Can I really become a cherry blossom?
I think that once a flower withers, it really is the end. Even if a flower can return during another season, doesn’t the person looking at them lose interest when the flowers wither? Then they won’t be remembered anymore…
But if cherry blossoms are beautiful enough to make an impression on someone, then many people might be waiting for the seasons to pass by and the flower to bloom.
I wonder if someone has that kind of expectation of me? Is there someone who will still find me necessary, even if I wither once?
Ah… Why are you holding my hand? I’m talking, so why are you…
That’s right. No matter how many ugly things I’ve said to you, you’ve tried to stay by my side.
Even if I withered away without a trace, you’d continue to watch over me until I bloomed again. You’re amazing, aren’t you?
Ah, so you’re finally here? I feel as if you’ve kept me waiting quite a while. Have you finished all your work?
I see. Well, I’ll compliment you for running so you wouldn’t keep me waiting. Could you sit over there?
I need to talk to Kondo-san before I talk to you. Can you stay here until I get back?
I might have a terrible look on my face when I get back though. Please do something to comfort me if that happens. See you later then.
How strange. It seems that I’m feeling calmer than I expected to.
Just now, I told Kondo-san that I would be taking a break.
I’d like to ask why that was so surprising, but I’m surprised too, even though I said it myself.
Kondo-san and Hijikata-san have been telling me to concentrate on getting better for a while now.
But I kept on saying that I didn’t want to. I’m sure I would have kept on saying that if I hadn’t heard those words.
I’m talking about your words. When you said that I would get better if I recuperated, that became my reason for considering doing it. I could never find the resolve to do it though.
I’m going to take my rest all in one go. I’m going to think of it as a way to be useful to Kondo-san and the others for even longer, and until I get better, I’m going to focus on my treatment a little.
I’ve heard there are several good hot springs, so I’m thinking of going round them all. Fortunately, Kondo-san said that he would be waiting for my return. So I think I’ll be able to leave the headquarters without any worries on my mind.
Although it will only be for a short time, I’ll be leaving the Shinsengumi. You’d normally be sweeping my room clean everyday as a maid until my return.
But I want you to come with me. I’ve always thought that your happiness would be together with a man who would live longer than me. But what’s left for me, who has left the Shinsengumi, isn’t Kondo-san or the sword at my waist, it’s my beliefs and your existence, as the person who stayed by my side, no matter what happened.
I want to be with you from now on. Even if your happiness would be with another man, that doesn’t matter to me. I want to be with you now. I want you to stay by my side, after I leave the headquarters and even after I’ve returned too.
I’m sure that in the end, my illness will cause my death, or even if I recover, an injury I receive on a battlefield somewhere will be what kills me.
So I can’t promise to live a long life. I can’t give you the kind of happiness where I’ll be beside you even when you grow old and where we’ll stay together forever.
But even though I know I’ll leave you alone someday, I intend to try and make you happy until then. I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to see you smile at me more often.
I’ll hold you when I go to sleep at night and see you sleeping in my arms in the morning. I want to live a life where I’ll keep doing those things. Until my very last day. So stay by my side from now on.
Well, I knew you wouldn’t say no. I was still nervous though.
Being this kind to you annoys me. But… Thank you very much.
I’m feeling happy.
This is a nice bath.
Come on, hurry up and…
Hey. Why haven’t you even undone your sash?
You’re going to get in the bath, so it’s no good keeping your clothes on, is it?
Hurry up and take them off. I don’t mind helping you if you can’t do it alone.
Do it quickly then.
No. I can look wherever I want. If you don’t want to be seen, then why don’t you cover yourself up?
Well, no matter how hard you try to cover yourself up, I’ll see everything once you get into the bath anyway.
Come on, you won’t be able to keep covered up until the end, so why don’t you just get in confidently instead of doing something pointless like hiding yourself away?
The water is nice, isn’t it? I was told that it has various effects as a medicinal bath. Let’s stay in as long as we can.
Hey. I know it’s still light, but we’re alone together, so it doesn’t really matter, does it? I’ve seen you naked plenty of times. Look this way.
Hmm… Ah, I think I might start coughing if you don’t look this way. Oh dear. If I collapse because of this, then it’ll be your fault. You don’t mind if I collapse?
You finally looked this way. But what are you doing with your hands? Don’t keep holding them there.
Why do you think I came all the way to this hot spring in the mountains? Even you know that there are plenty more places to find a medicinal spring, don’t you?
Yes, that’s right. I wanted to have a peaceful bath with you. Everywhere else we went had too many people.
You should be careful that you don’t start feeling dizzy.
Are you worried that someone else might come in here? It’s alright. I can see a long way from here.
I’ll tell you right away if there’s someone coming. I don’t want anyone else to see your body either.
You don’t have to try and keep your voice down. I’m the only one who’s going to hear it.
I want to see you feeling embarrassed as you begin to lose yourself. Show me that you’re distracted by your desire for me.
Can you sit here?
You shouldn’t try so hard to hold yourself back. I want to hear your voice escaping from your lips.
Do you have any regrets about following me here? Well?
Are you happy, even though you’re doing something like this during the day?
Hmm… How boring. Your answer was just as I expected. I already know that you’re happy.
Look this way.
Me? Well… I’m not that happy. So do something to make me happier. I want you. Understand?
That’s right. More…
Sit on my lap.
That’s right. Sit down.
I don’t need much strength to embrace you when I’m in the water. In other words, it’s easy for you to move around too. So do whatever you like.
You’re still embarrassed? I suppose it’s too early for you to lose control of yourself.
You like being kissed, don’t you?
What do you want me to do?
Alright. I’ll hold onto you.
Relax. Leave everything to me.
Are you alright? I think I can hold on a little longer.
No. Don’t look down. Look this way.
It’s hot. I think I’m going to get dizzy. But I can’t stop. I’m impressed that you’ve captivated me this much.
Hmm? Your heart is beating faster. Are you nervous? Or…
Is that so? You should have said so sooner.
I’m sorry if you’re feeling painful. Please bear with it.
Come on. Hold onto me. Let me stay like this a little longer. I feel calm when I’m holding you. I suppose it’s like I’m being healed. I even feel as if I’m getting better when you’re beside me. I might actually get better.
No, I was just thinking that you’re the type of person to give me quite cruel expectations.
Well… I think I might actually start feeling dizzy soon. Shall we get out for now?
I think I’ll spend my time recovering at this spring for a while. We’ll stay here until the beginning of the new year. You’ll be with me as long as no one else is around, won’t you?
It’s so cold that if you don’t get in the bath often, you’ll catch a cold.
Oh no. Of course we’re going to keep doing this kind of thing at those times.
It’s become quite warm recently. I suppose the cherry blossom buds will start growing bigger. It’d be nice if there were some cherry blossoms near the next hot spring. I want to see the cherry blossoms at night with you again.
Hmm? What is it?
Ah, a pinwheel. It’s unusual to see one in front of a house at this time, rather than summer or autumn. Perhaps it’s been left out all this time?
Why’d you start searching through your things all of a sudden?
Ah… That’s… Is it the pinwheel I gave you before?
You’ve still got it with you? Isn’t it worn out now? Why don’t you throw it away already?
You want another one? Well, I suppose I can do that…
Why’d you talk so loudly all of a sudden?
Ah… You want both of us to fold some pinwheels and carry them with us? I don’t really mind.
Hmm… Can I ask you something? You’ll think of it as a gift, won’t you?
Oh… Is that so?
It’s nothing. I was just thinking of giving you something different next time. If you’re fine with having that kind of thing, then I won’t bother.
Right… There were two options. I couldn’t decide on one, so I thought I’d get you to choose. Although it’s a little late, the first one is a comb. The second is the words “I love you”.
I wanted to ask which one you liked best. But you’re fine with a pinwheel made from paper. It’s too bad, I went to the trouble of thinking what to give you. It’s best to give the person who is receiving a gift what they’d like most of all. I won’t bother with those two options I’ve given you.
Hey! What’s the matter now? You must be pretty clever if you can smile while crying! Just for your information… Your face looks terrible right now. I’ll be embarrassed if you don’t put on a more acceptable face.
What? Everything? Why are you being so greedy?
You’re too bold! I’m only going to give you one of those things.
You must be joking if you think you can have all three at once! When I’ve given you one, I’ll be keeping the other two for another time.
Why are you smiling so much? It’s disgusting.
I’m surprised you can keep smiling after all I’ve said to you. It’s only natural that someone foolish is completely different.
I like it when you smile that way though. Being able to smile beside me, no matter what I say, is one of your few strong points.
Shall I give you two gifts instead to thank you for always smiling?
It’s a special occasion. You should be really grateful.
I’m going to choose what one of those gifts is though.
Come on. Come closer.
I love you.
You’re smiling while crying again? It’s interesting how your expression keeps changing.
Alright, take your time choosing your other gift. Choose something you like, whether it’s the comb or the pinwheel. I’ll make sure to give it to you.
So… Stay by my side from now on.