Shinsengumi Mokuhiroku Wasurenagusa 6 – Yamazaki Susumu
CV: Morikawa Toshiyuki
It was the third year of the Bunkyu era , an era of chaos. I joined the Shinsengumi who were responsible for guarding Kyoto. My job was surveillance and investigation. I always put up a front when I’m on a mission. I suppress my personality in front of others. Regardless of whether this may be an unfortunate thing, I abandoned my true self somewhere long ago. I don’t mind doing that for the sake of the Shinsengumi and Kondo-san, who treats me kindly.
I live my life whilst wearing a mask in front of others. At some point, I decided I would ignore the part of myself that was crying out inside of me.
In the first year of the Genji era , I became aware of the Sonno Joi faction  suspicious movements and began an investigation. I identified the place I previously had my eye on. There we found secret letters to the Choshu  and weapons. We discovered that there was a plan to burn down the imperial palace and kidnap the emperor. From further investigation, we found that the Sonno Joi would hold a meeting to discuss that plan at either the Ikedaya or the Shikokuya.
The evening of June the 5th came. I disguised myself as a medicine seller and infiltrated the Ikedaya beforehand. That was an easy thing to do because of my medical knowledge. When I confirmed that the meeting was taking place at the Ikedaya, I opened the locks and secured a path for Kondo-san and the others to take.
And when Kondo-san called out “Stop what you’re doing!”, the fight began.
So Kondo-san is on the second floor? Then I’ll deal with the men on the first floor!
I won’t let you get any closer to the second floor!
There are still more of them!
Tch! Where on earth do they keep coming from?!
How inconsiderate of you to attack me from behind! It seems that you need to be punished.
How about you attack fairly from the front? Well, I suppose it’s pointless to say anything to someone who’s about to die.
There are three more of you, hmm?
I’ll kill you all.
It’d be impossible for trash like you to beat us Shinsengumi, no matter how many hundreds of years you tried. Well, this is the natural outcome.
The battle at the Ikedaya ended in an overwhelming victory for the Shinsengumi. I felt that it was only natural for us to win. I suppose it was because of my position. I could understand another person’s feelings from their actions and expressions. The masterless samurai who tried to put on a brave face, whilst holding back with a look of fear in their eyes. There was no way the Shinsengumi who fight at the cost of their own lives would lose to cowardly opponents who were taken by surprise and begged for help.
 Bunkyu era – An era which began on February 19, 1861.
 Genji era – An era which began on February 1, 1864.
 Sonno Joi faction – A group who supported restoring power to the emperor and expelling foreigners from Japan.
 Choshu – A clan that was an enemy of the shogunate and the Shinsengumi.
Now that I see you up close, you’ve got quite a bold expression on your face. You seem as if you could be positive, no matter what, I suppose?
Alright, you try your best.
Eh? You’re asking how I know you?
I heard about you from Hijikata-san. He said an unusually energetic maid had joined. You got caught up in the fight at the Ikedaya, and came here because you lost your parents.
Ah. Me? My name is Yamazaki Susumu, I’m responsible for both surveillance and investigation.
You don’t know what kind of work that is? Surveillance means observing the people inside the squad and investigation is observing the rebel soldiers outside the squad. I keep watch over the actions of anyone suspicious and look for information. Of course I’m watching you, who suddenly wanted to become a maid here. Please bear in mind that I can’t guarantee your survival if you do something suspicious within the headquarters.
By the way, isn’t it time for you to be making dinner? Where are you going at this time?
You’re going to rewrap your bandage because your injury hurts? I’ll help you then. There’s no need to be so reluctant. Come here.
This is my room. Of course I could use the medical box in the living room, but I heard that you injured you right arm and shoulder. You wouldn’t want to treat your injury in a place where someone could come in at anytime, would you?
Please take off your kimono, just the top part is fine.
No, you can’t just take out one shoulder. You’ve got to take it off properly. Your kimono mustn’t get dirty.
Why are you hesitating? It must hurt, right? I’ll have a look. Or is there some reason you can’t take off your clothes? If there isn’t, hurry up and take off your kimono.
Your arm seems to be fine. Turn the other way.
Your shoulder… Ah, this doesn’t look good. It was close to becoming infected. I understand that you don’t want to cause trouble for others, but it’s impossible to completely treat an injury in this position by yourself. It’d be a different story if you wanted to die from a sword injury though.
Ah, the scar seems very painful. It looks bright red against your pale skin and it feels a little hot.
What’s the matter? You trembled all of a sudden.
I was just disinfecting it. I think it’d be quite painful if I used disinfectant on this injury.
Is this the first time someone has licked your skin like this? Stay still. This is treatment, you see.
Don’t struggle. Does your injury hurt that much? You can’t struggle when I hold you from behind like this, can you?
Does it hurt? I didn’t intend for it to hurt that much.
Or does it feel good?
Don’t get so angry. I was just teasing you a little.
This should be enough. I’m going to put on the medicine and wrap the bandage. You got this injury because we’re responsible for letting the remaining soldiers escape. So I’ll take care of this injury until it’s healed.
You don’t want me to keep doing that kind of treatment? Drastic methods are necessary for an injury to heal quickly. Even if that way is embarrassing to you.
Alright, I’m finished. This should be fine for now. You can put your kimono back on. Please tell me if your injury hurts again.
Eh? You want to know how I can do this? I’ve got some medical knowledge. I wouldn’t call myself a doctor, but I can do this kind of treatment. There are lots of soldiers in the Shinsengumi who get injured, so someone like me is necessary here.
Alright, you can go back now.
You’re thanking me? This is my job, so don’t worry about it. Anyway, it’s more important that you hurry back. The others will be worried if you come back late.
I don’t know about energetic, but she’s a strange woman. To tell the truth, I suspected she was hiding something, but there was nothing when I got her to take off her kimono. I shouldn’t let my guard down though. I suppose I’ll observe her a little longer.
Ah, it’s you.
It’s my day off, so I’m calmly enjoying the garden scenery. Are you used to living at the headquarters now?
I see. I’m glad.
By the way, did Hijikata-san tell you about the Shinsengumi regulations? There are strict rules in the Shinsengumi. The people who disobey them willingly cut open their own stomachs. You’re a member of the Shinsengumi too. Make sure to obey the regulations. If you don’t, you’ll be throwing away your life that was saved.
You don’t have to look so worried. You don’t seem to be the type of person who’d break the rules and throw away your life.
How can I say that? You remember what my job is, don’t you?
That’s right, surveillance. I’ve been observing you everyday since you started working as a maid. I’ve investigated almost everything.
You’re the daughter from a small restaurant that was two doors away from the Ikedaya. You don’t have any siblings, your family was just you and your parents. Sometime later, your parents were killed by a wandering samurai.
You also like animals. You probably thought Hijikata-san would be angry if he found out, didn’t you? I’ve seen you secretly giving food to birds and cats several times. There are lots of hungry stray cats near the headquarters. They probably remembered your face when you gave them food. When you see the cats, you hurry to prepare food, then leave it near the cats and quickly leave. Now that you’re hearing this, you’re surprised that I saw you. Well, of course you are. You shouldn’t have been seen by anyone, but you were.
Eh? Is there anything else I know about you?
Right… If I had to say something, it’d be that you have a habit of blinking twice when you’re surprised.
Didn’t you notice?
See, you did it again.
That’s strange. Aren’t you afraid of me?
Why? You should be scared or disgusted that someone was watching you without your knowledge.
Eh? You think I’m amazing? You’re surprised that I observe my surroundings carefully and remember them.
What are you talking about? Goodness, you really are a strange person. You seem to have the most unusual opinion I’ve heard so far.
You want me to tell you another habit you haven’t noticed?
Ah, I’m sorry. I did something strange all of a sudden. There aren’t many people who approach me to talk with a brilliant look in their eyes. That’s because it doesn’t feel right when someone is always watching you. Everyone has one or two secrets they don’t want others to know about. Investigating those and reporting them is my job.
Right. I’ll tell you something good. There’s a small mountain not far from these headquarters. There are lots of birds and animals that used to being around humans there. I think you’d enjoy it if you went when you have time.
You don’t have to thank me. It’s been a long time since I gave someone information that honestly pleased them.
No, it’s nothing. I was just talking to myself.
I’ll have a look at your injury tonight. It seems to have almost healed, so it’ll just be a check up. Please come to my room.
What’s the matter with me? I was laughing together with someone else. When I’m with her, I feel unable to understand myself. But strangely enough, it’s not a bad feeling.
Sit here. Does your injury still hurt?
Come on, take off your kimono.
There’s no need to be embarrassed.
It looks much better. It’s healed well. The scar should soon fade. It would have been unfortunate if a sword injury scarred your beautiful skin, so I’m relieved.
Your skin really is pale. A beautiful body without a single blemish.
Hmm? Why am I licking your wound when it’s already healed?
I’m doing it to make your scar fade completely.
You’re trembling. Are you cold?
It seems that you trust me a little too much. What if looking at your injury was just an excuse for me to touch your body?
Eh? There’s no way I’d do that? How can you say that?
I’m a man, aren’t I?
I wouldn’t necessarily think nothing of you uncovering your skin in the middle of the night.
I can hold both your arms like this and stop you from moving. Why don’t you resist?
I might misunderstand that you don’t resist because you’re interested in me.
You’re alright with this? You believe I’m not the type of person to suddenly force themselves upon you?
It’s said that silence is the same as agreement. You should say you don’t like something if you don’t.
Come on, put your kimono back on. Your injury seems to be fine. There’s no need to show it to me anymore.
Eh? I’m not angry.
But it really has been a long time since I haven’t felt a wall between someone and myself, so I’m happy.
It’ll be cold tonight. Wrap yourself up in your futon and go to sleep. Alright?
Well then, take care. Good night.
It seems that the Joi soldiers are around here. The ones Hijikata-san told me to spy on… Just who on earth are they?
Those guys…! Those two look like they’re doing something suspicious. I think I recognise them from somewhere too.
They escaped from the Ikedaya the other day…! What are they planning this time? I’m going to get a little closer and listen.
Hey! What are you doing here?!
You were asked to do some shopping? I’m on a mission right now! You mustn’t talk to me in the middle of the town!
You didn’t know about that rule?
Damn it! Did they see us?
At this rate, they’re going to find us! Come this way!
Stay still! They’ll find us!
We’re going to pretend to be lovers for now.
They won’t look this way if we do.
Come on, be more serious about this. Don’t struggle.
If they find out who I am, I’ll kill them right now. I’ll kill you too. Do as I say if you value your life. They’ll look this way out of curiosity if you don’t kiss me passionately enough.
This isn’t enough. Use your tongue more. We’re pretending to be passionate lovers!
We have to fulfil this mission as members of the Shinsengumi.
You understand, don’t you? If not, I’ll have to kill you.
Put out your tongue more. Yes, that’s right. Pretend that you love me.
We’re pretending to be lovers who are so carried away by passion that they don’t see what’s going on around them.
You’re holding onto my arm. That’s good. Depend on me. Please desire me completely.
It seems that they’ve gone.
Let go of my clothes. Goodness, what were you doing? I’m always working undercover when I’m outside the headquarters, so approaching me and calling my name is a terrible thing to do!
Eh? You were so happy when you saw me while out shopping, you couldn’t help it?
Goodness! Depending on the situation, I really might have had to kill you!
You couldn’t help it this time, but be careful from now on.
I still have some undercover missions to do, so please go back to the headquarters while it’s still light.
Go on, hurry up.
What am I doing? Although there was no other choice, I still did something terrible. If I hurt her… No, it doesn’t matter if she hates me.
It doesn’t matter… But then why does my heart hurt so much?
Even though I don’t have the right to love you…
You seem to be sleeping well.
Please forgive my rudeness.
I came to see you because couldn’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t come here to force myself on you.
Although it was a spur of the moment act, I still kissed you that day.
I wanted to apologise for that.
But I don’t have the courage to talk to you about that day when you’re awake. So I waited until you were asleep. I should really wake you up and apologise, but the soft and warm sensation of your lips was enough to drive me crazy. The warmth of your hand which held onto me won’t stop controlling my heart. I’m a terrible person for blaming it on you. It’s all your fault that I’m coming here like this and wanting to kiss you again.
Your face even looks beautiful while you sleep. Just like the moon rising in the night sky, your cheeks seem to be shining white. You’re beautiful. You’re not like other people. I can tell by looking into your eyes. Your gaze is completely pure.
Now I’m ashamed that I was suspicious of you, without knowing you at all. I suppose you wouldn’t understand the feelings I had when you looked at me with your honest eyes. Your purity wounds my heart. Your incredibly bright smile makes me jealous.
Although I think of doing it, I know I can’t run from you. I’ve fallen in love with you. I could never say this to you while you’re awake. Please forgive me somehow for kissing your gentle cheek. I hope I’ll be in your dreams, even for a little while.
I hope you aren’t having a bad dream. Good night.
Ah, I knew it. I’ve found you safely. Kondo-san was worried that he couldn’t find you anywhere.
Yes, it’s alright. I had an idea of where you were, so I said I’d bring you back. But I’m surprised you really are at the mountain I told you about the other day.
Although I had some idea of where you were, I’m surprised that it was so easy to predict.
Hmm? Ah, you were feeding the birds? You even saved some of your breakfast.
You don’t have to look at me like that. I’m not going to tell anyone. Even if I did, no one would be angry. But I’m not pleased that you left the headquarters without telling anyone where you were going. It’s not safe around here. Unlike in the city, no one will come to you if you call out for help. Make sure you tell me next time you come here.
I like this place too. So I’ll come with you as often as you like.
Ah. Have you seen this butterfly before? I don’t know its name, but I think it’s very beautiful.
Is it just an ordinary butterfly? No, not when it spreads out its wings. See, look carefully. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The outside of its wings shine blue or green, depending on the angle you look from. You can see them around here every summer.
The sight of those butterflies flying into the sky all at once is too beautiful to put into words. You should be able to see it if you come here often.
I was expecting that reaction from you. The other soldiers don’t know about this place or the butterflies. It’s because I haven’t told anyone about it. I wanted to keep this scenery all to myself. Wouldn’t it be a waste to show it to others?
So why’d I show it to you then?
Who knows? I’m not sure either. But I was sure you’d be honestly happy about it. So I thought that I’d like to show you these butterflies.
I’m not even sure of what I’m saying. Don’t be too concerned about me.
You’re thanking me? Why’d you do that all of a sudden? You don’t really need to thank me.
But please promise me you won’t tell anyone else about this place. Make sure you don’t. Otherwise I might have to kill you.
It was a joke. Perhaps…
Hmm? Are you still awake?
I’m going to come in.
What’s the matter? You’ve still got a light on, even though it’s late.
It’s already late. Please go to sleep soon.
You can’t sleep because you had a bad dream?
I see. If you’d be okay with me, I can stay by your side until you fall asleep.
You can’t sleep with this bright light on, can you?
People feel lively and awake when they have a light on.
You’ll sleep better if you open the door a little and rely on the light of the moon.
It’s a full moon tonight too. Just looking at the golden moon against the pitch black night sky will make your heart feel strangely calm.
Right, there’s a medicine box on that shelf. There’s some medicine which helps with insomnia in that box.
It’s the medicine wrapped in white paper here. You should take this with water on nights when you can’t sleep. You’ll feel relaxed.
You don’t like bitter medicine? You say such uncooperative things, like a child would.
That’s right. This medicine certainly is bitter. You should use it as a last resort.
At night, you retain things from your memories. Enjoyable memories and beautiful scenery. For some reason, you think of them as painful. Everyone has nights when they can’t sleep alone. But I’m by your side now.
Don’t you feel a little calmer when I hold your hand like this? I think that another person’s warmth is what relaxes people the most. Another person’s hands make you feel relaxed and they really do relieve pain better than any other medicine. Don’t you think that’s strange? It’s even more effective if someone important to you holds your hand.
So even if it’s just for now, please think of me as someone important to you. I’m sure that even my hands could make you feel relaxed if you do.
Please close your eyes. Come on. That’s right. Keep breathing deeply like that, and listen to me breathing. I’ve heard you can feel sleepy by focusing on listening to a particular sound.
Yes, you can fall asleep holding my hand. I’ll let go gently and go back to my own room after you fall asleep.
Good night. I hope you’ll have good dreams.
It looks like you’re finally asleep. You’re breathing normally and peacefully. I’m reluctant to do it, but I’m going to let go of your hand now.
You’re a foolish person though. I can’t believe you willingly let me see you looking so defenceless. You haven’t forgotten, have you?
Although it was a spur of the moment act, I kissed you.
I kissed you so roughly, didn’t I? But why aren’t you cautious around me?
That makes me love you. Let me touch you. Your smooth and beautiful skin. A smile that reflects your heart suits you most of all.
If you’re worried and can’t sleep, I’ll stay by your side every night and talk to you. I really love you when you look upon me gently with your pure heart and believe in me.
I want to kiss you again. Your lips really are soft.
Hey, you’re awake, aren’t you? I know everything about you.
Why didn’t you run away? Instead, your eyelashes gently fluttered as if you were waiting for my kiss.
Open your eyes. How long have you been awake?
Since I let go of your hand? I tried to let go gently, but I disturbed your sleep instead.
Then why did you pretend to be asleep? If you felt you were in danger, you should have run away when I touched your cheek. Am I wrong?
If you don’t run away now, I won’t hesitate to embrace you. You’ve realised that I’m in love with you, haven’t you?
You made a meal for Saitou-san who had been training until late last night, didn’t you? You probably don’t know how I felt when I saw that. I was extremely angry.
Why? I was thinking of you smiling at someone other than me. The moment I saw you last night, I became sure that I wanted to make you mine alone. If you were going to belong to somebody else, then I’d kill you.
Aren’t I good enough for you? Are you going to stay silent forever? I’m sure I told you before. Speak up when you don’t agree with something.
Alright. I’m going to take your silence as agreement then.
Open your mouth.
You’ve taken it, haven’t you?
You want to know what it was? It was an aphrodisiac. You accepted my kiss. So now your lips will always be mine. My lips should be the only ones whose temperature and shape that you know. If you kiss anyone else like this, I won’t hesitate to kill you.
I’m going to teach you how to kiss.
First bring your face close to mine, until our lips are almost touching and whisper “I love you”.
Well? Hurry up and tell me you want to come closer right now. Don’t you feel incredibly impatient? You’re looking at me with such tearful eyes. You’re waiting for my kiss, aren’t you?
See. Please remember my lips. Your pale neck looks so beautiful. Tilt your head. That’s right.
You’re really tense, aren’t you? I know that the area around your neck and ears is your weak spot. How does it feel to have this done to you?
You can’t help feeling good, can you?
How do I know that? I’m confident about my intuition.
Come on, concentrate on my tongue. Feel your body getting warmer. I’m going to lick your neck from bottom to top like this. I’m going to lick all the way from your chin to your ears. Won’t you get excited when I breathe close to your ear? Or do you prefer that I talk like this?
Then I’ll trace my tongue over your ear and put my tongue further inside your ear, little by little. Your ears really are your weak spot.
Your hair has a gentle and lovely scent. I’m enjoying being able to experience this scent up close. I’ve always wanted to do this.
Has the medicine started to work? Your body feels warm.
Please give yourself to me. One more time. Your lips taste so sweet. Come on, open your mouth. I won’t mind even if it’s just a little.
Please accept me.
Don’t run away. I won’t let you escape. You’re mine now. It’s impossible for you to run from me.
My heart feels as if it’s going to explode. Can you understand that my heart is beating faster?
The immoral act of injuring your beautiful skin is nothing more than pleasure. Since the day that I first kissed you, I’ve been thinking of taking you somewhere no one else could see you. I wanted to be the only one you would see. Even now, I’m thinking of such a selfish thing.
Even so, I desire you. I want to make your soul and body mine alone. I want destroy you myself and tie you up. It would be wonderful if I locked you away somewhere, and could show my love to you without anyone else seeing it.
Hey, will you accept me completely? Will you tell me you love me?
I’m happy. I don’t care. It’s your fault. I can’t hold back any longer. Your clothes are in the way.
You’re fine as you are. Let me do everything.
Your skin is always so beautiful.
Your reactions really are innocent. It’s the first time someone has licked you here, isn’t it?
Your skin tastes so sweet. Come on, don’t cover your body with your hands. Let me see your body.
That’s right, you’re a good and honest girl. I’ll show you my love. Please let yourself sense me completely. I’m sure you enjoy it when I run my nails over your body too.
See, your body has a beautiful curve. It seems too good for me to touch. This feels good, doesn’t it? You love the sensation of my warmth touching your skin, don’t you? Please say that you do. I want to hear you say you love me.
I’m happy. Just hearing those words is enough to drive me crazy.
Please give me even more of your love. Come on, don’t be so tense. Let me touch your legs. They’re just like silk, without a single scratch. I can tell by looking at your legs that you were well cared for.
Please touch me too. Like this, with your fingers.
You’re touching me in quite an indecent way.
What do you think of my body? I’m sure this must be your first time touching a man’s body.
My heart feels heavy. I love you.
Everything about you drives me crazy.
You still seem to be nervous. But the medicine should start working completely right about now.
There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s alright. Calm down. Of course I wasn’t thinking of giving you the medicine and treating you roughly. I’m going to love you gently. For that, I needed to make you relax. That’s all.
Come on, let’s continue.
Open your mouth wider.
Are you excited? Your cheeks are red and your body is trembling. I get excited just by looking at you.
You’re trembling, even though all I did was touch your legs gently. I like that reaction. Sense my fingers and be more aware that you’re fascinated by me.
Even your sweat attracts me.
You touch me more too. I don’t mind where you touch me. Caress me wherever you like.
That’s right. It feels good. I can’t hold back any longer. My body is getting warmer too.
Please bite my hand. That’s right, bite me. Just do it.
There’s a deep bite on my skin.
You’re sorry? What are you saying? It’s alright. Please bite me again.
Please make a mark on me. A deep mark that will never fade. I want you to give me pain. Sink your nails into my back.
That’s right. Do it as hard as you can. I want you to make a mark on me.
That’s no good. Make it deeper and more painful. More! More!
That’s good. That’s good. I can’t get enough. Please tear my heart to pieces. Until it kills me. When you put your mark on me, I know for sure that I’m alive. I’m happy. Show me your hands.
Your hands are rough from doing kitchen work. Do you like having your hands licked that much?
It’s no good trembling and trying to escape from pleasure. I won’t allow it.
It smells sweet doesn’t it? Just like a butterfly which seeks a flower’s nectar, I’m fascinated by the scent from your body.
Don’t cover your face. Let me see you as you drown in pleasure. Come on, look at the places on your body that my tongue touches.
It’s unfortunate that it isn’t daytime. If this room was light, I would have been able to clearly see your face turning red.
Lift up your hand. I’m going to lick you here too.
Shh. That’s no good. Don’t raise your voice too much. Someone will hear you. Or do you want someone to see you in this indecent state?
You understand, don’t you? If someone else sees you like this, then I’ll kill you, no questions asked.
What’s the matter? Why did you hold your breath? Were you surprised to have a knife suddenly held against your neck?
Don’t worry. I’ve got no intention of killing you, unless you try to escape from me. You see, isn’t it true that you’re mine now? There’s no way I could let go of you now.
I’ll mark the proof that you belong to me on your neck. A beautiful red flower has bloomed on your neck. You belong to me alone.
Please make sure other people can see your neck when you’re around here. It’s proof that you belong to me. I’ll make another mark when this flower disappears. I’ll leave this beautiful red flower on you again and again.
So when the marks on my back heal, please sink your nails into my back once again. Alright?
That’s enough. I can’t take this any longer. Look this way.
I’ll come to take you again and again. It’s no use being reluctant any longer. Because tonight you’re mine now.
From now on, I think you’ll have to treat the soldiers’ injuries more often, so please remember where the medicines are.
Here are the bandages and this is ointment. This is an antipyretic. I think you’ll use a lot of antipyretics and painkillers, so I’ll put them somewhere easy to find.
I think that’s everything. If there’s something you don’t know, come and ask me when you need to know. You’ll be able to find any medicine that isn’t here in another room. Please come to my room when there’s an emergency. I’ll teach you how to treat injuries sometime soon.
Hmm? What is it?
Ah. This? This is the medicine I gave you the other night. I suppose you could call it a tonic.
Don’t look so surprised. To tell the truth, it doesn’t start working immediately.
Yes. I lied to you that time. I gave it to you, thinking you might just feel different, but it had a suggestive effect. You became bolder, so you could say it was a success.
Alright, alright. I’m sorry I tricked you. Please forgive me somehow.
Right, why don’t we go to that place now?
This is the second time I’ve spoken to you here. Can we talk like this for a little while?
As a soldier of the Shinsengumi, I’ve completed all kinds of duties for the sake of Kondo-san, no matter how difficult they were.
By suppressing true self, I ended up holding a deep darkness in my heart, while I gazed at the changing seasons. Even when the cherry blossoms bloomed and the landscape was coloured pink, or when the maple leaves turned red, all I did was gaze upon that with a cold look in my eyes.
Living for the sake of the Shinsengumi is my destiny and duty. I shouldn’t love someone else… No, I shouldn’t be loved by you. Because there’s no certainty that I can make you happy.
I’m well aware that observing others means my life is at stake and I’m disliked by others. I thought that suppressing my true self and being strong was everything. Even so, I hated keeping my feelings at the bottom of my heart, being indifferent to everything, and pretending to be the type of person who didn’t get deeply involved with anything.
Meeting you, falling in love with you, talking to you like this and you accepting me, was like light shining onto the darkness in my heart. My grey world became colourful at once. I’m glad I met you. I’m proud that you love me. As long as I can be by your side, I want to make you happy.
Please come here. Ah! What’s the matter? I didn’t say you needed to hold onto me that tightly. Goodness. You’re like a child.
I love you. I think I can become stronger and be more like myself if you stay by my side. Please let me be the only one you love. I’ll cut out your eyes if you look at anyone else, alright?
Do you think I’m joking? I’m not. I can’t control my feelings when it comes to you, you see. Even now, I still feel like I want to lock you away somewhere, making me the only one you see. But I don’t know when I might die. I’ve got to make sure you won’t be lonely, even if I suddenly disappear.
Close your eyes.
We don’t have to hold hands when we kiss. Did I teach you to do that? You like holding hands while kissing, don’t you? I like it too. I feel very happy when you sometimes hold onto my hand tightly.
Well then, I’m going to kiss you while caressing your neck with my other hand.
Hmm? Your neck really is your weak spot. When you react so well, it makes me want to tease you. We’ll continue this in your room tonight.
Wait for me and don’t go to sleep.
Alright, I’m going out on my mission now. You make sure to work hard too, got it? See you later.
The weather is quite nice. I don’t remember the sky ever being this blue.
The sky that I happened to look up at that day was surprisingly blue. The clear sky continued endlessly. I wonder if I’ve even seen such a beautiful sky before. Without thinking, I turned to go back to the headquarters, then hurriedly stopped myself.
I wanted to show you that sky. I felt like telling you about that wonderful sky. I laughed at myself, reminding myself that I was on a mission.
I wonder when I began to be like this. I know when it happened. It was when I met you. I was prepared to give my life to the Shinsengumi, but you gave me another hope. You probably can’t imagine how happy that made me.
When you smiled at me, I felt sorry for hating myself for the first time. I met you, and got to know how happy it would make me to have my feelings accepted.
By loving you, I was able to be myself for the first time. I became able to think that if I had lost something in the past, then all I would have to do was take my time getting it back.
From now on, I’ll probably continue to suppress myself. Because that is the duty given to me. But please let me be myself around you. If you smile, then I’m sure I can keep on living.
I want to watch all the butterflies fly towards the blue sky, together with you, on that mountain. I might be moved to tears by the beauty of that scene if we do. The cries of cicadas which signal summer, the nameless flower which blooms in a field, a flock of dragonflies turning red and the landscape which becomes bathed by a silvery colour before long.
I want to experience all those things with you. Holding hands and laughing together. I promise I’ll protect your smile until I’m gone. So please hold onto my smile too. I’ll love you forever.